2011

What a year this has been.

I have lost a dear family member, had one of my children leave home, had another graduate high school and start college and my youngest came out as bi-sexual and possibly poly.

I have had three car accidents in the last year. One has left me injured and fighting with insurance companies to recognize the loss to me as something very significant. The change to my life has been profound. I can no longer scene as I once did and I seem to have nearly lost my entire ability to bottom. I am so saddened by this loss to an aspect of my lifestyle. I can not trust that anyone can Top me and not cause me to miss a significant amount of work due to recovery. What used to take me a few days of slowing down and taking it easy, now is something I can not even come close to.

I want to cry thinking about this, and writing this now my heart is in my throat. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have played since April and every time, the next day I am nearly bedridden. Despite being extremely careful, and making sure the scene was short and did not even go one quarter of the way to what I used to be capable of.

I have Topped a few times and enjoyed myself mightily, I still have the ability to be a sadistic teasing bitch and that brings a certain satisfaction. I am unable to use impact toys with satisfactory force or repetition. I am left with canes and switches. Floggers, bats, and any other heavy striking implements are now completely beyond me. I can swing a flogger for less than 10 minutes and the heavy ones are less than five.

Will this come back? I have no way of knowing. But how do I convince an insurance company that my lifestyle has been so drastically changed and that I should be compensated in some way for it?

It is a depressing thought to be under this certainty that I will never experience the euphoric high of a 3 or 4 hour long impact play scene again. That such a thing would mean the next two days I would be a bit stiff and sore.. but now.. I would likely be bedridden for a week.

So I am faced with what to do with my blog. This was originally created to hold the stories of the scenes I was in or imagined. That purpose is now greatly disabled. I have a long and colourful history to draw from. Do I want to? I hate writing about things that happened long ago.

Should I shut my blog down? Go dormant while my injury continues to heal?

I am at a loss of what 2012 will bring.

I have started the process to getting my bachelors degree and will be going to school full time and working full time. How much time do I have to devote to this?

I have no answers. I welcome yours. Would you as my readers want to hear my fantasies and my past excursions into all things kinky?

Only hopes and dreams that 2012 will be so much more than 2011 was.

Blush

There is something about a blush. Many things are able to cause it, a shy moment, an embarrassing moment, or a moment of ardor. They are all my favorites for different reasons.

A shy blush is something I simply adore. I know I am witnessing an innocence bared. It is sweet and juicy like a sun ripened fruit just waiting for me to sink my teeth in. I love making someone new blush in shyness of the desire that is welling in them. Beautiful.

Embarrassment can be so fun in a scene. I have one playmate I love to tease and humiliate by teasing and taunting. The fire in their cheeks is delightful, and I love the bashful looks.

Ardor is a whole other matter. I myself blush in the heat of the moment when I am about to cum or as I cum. I have also witnessed the flushing of face and oftentimes chest in my lovers. It is always a good sign.

Yum..

Socks

Ok so why don't they sell packages of 7 pairs of socks? This seriously makes no sense to me. I can buy one, three, four, six, ten, or twelve. Seven days in a week requires only seven pairs of socks.

I know, why does it matter.. well I hate having to much or to little of anything. There is a finite number to my need, and I find myself woefully challanged to just will the need with no waste,  no shortfalls.

It only convinces me even more that I need to live in a commune where nothing is wasted.

And of course where playtime, is plentiful. Because one can never have to much fun.

Ouch

Tonight I spent the evening alone with my princess. It has been weeks since we have been able to do this.

We started the evening with sushi and snuggles. Soon we were undressed and cuddled into bed.

Princess got up to snuff out candles and I lay there awaiting her return.

Suddenly I hear "OW OW OW OH NO" I jump out of bed and rush to her side. The scene before me made my heart leap. She was seated on the floor gripping her foot and blood was spattered all over the floor.

She had been victim of non consensual blood play. Poor girl had stepped on a shard of glass!

I was quick to grab a towel and then the first aid kit. Soon I was able to tell that the cut would not need stiches. I gently cleaned and bandaged her foot. Poor girl!

We determined that a wick on a candle was resting against the side of the holder causing it to explode. The room being poorly lit did not make the hazard readily apparent.

I took her back to bed where I held her and we exchanged old "war wound" stories.

Not exactly the romantic evening I had planned but it was sweet anyway.

Better

Finally after months of very painful suffering I have just had three days in a row where my neck did not hurt. My shoulder only gave me a small twinge yesterday for about 10 minutes right before seeing the chiropractor.

I am so excited and really nervous! I am excited because I can finally get through a day without constant pain, headaches, numbness. Nervous because last time I felt better, I overdid it and ended up hurting again, as bad as when the accident happened.

I am being very careful. Last night I cooked dinner :) and we made pies together! I was able to comfortably sit at my dining room table with my family and eat a meal.

This makes me happy.

This morning when I got out of my shower with Wulfie, he smacked at my ass and I just looked at him and grinned, "Don't make promises you won't keep!" Yes that was me calling him on! I must be feeling better LOL.

Hopefully by the end of the month I can start practicing with my floggers again. Get back to the pool and start swimming.

You know what this means? Soon, very soon, I will be playing again.. And what does that mean? *insert evil grin*

I will be looking for you!

Test mobile

I am mobile again and as always i have to figure out how to mobile blog. So lets see how this looks!

Love

I like wanting it keeps me hungry and on my toes. Needing just seems to make me weak and messy. I hate both traits, especially in myself.

I always sucked at writing love poems. When I tried it would take me months to write each stanza. I thought at first it was because the emotion was so involving but then I realized that I just didn't feel it like others would write about.

Love should fit in a neat tidy little box and when I want to feel it I just pull the box out, look at it and rub it into my skin like a rich ladies perfumed lotion. Nourishing my soul from the outside in. Taking what I want and leaving the rest in the box. Putting the lid on it and placing it back on the shelf until next time I want to feel.


It has always felt to me that while I am capable of love, I am never capable of loving as much as the person who loves me.

I have never felt that desperate sort of love. The kind where you feel like every single breath you take that isn't filled with the scent of your love, is toxic. The kind of love that makes you beg, that makes you wish you could crawl inside the other persons skin just so you can get close enough to them finally.

I haven't known this love. Maybe it just isn't part of my makeup to love someone so desperately. I hate being needy maybe that is it.

I have felt the instant jolt of a connection that seems to go beyond a handshake and ignites my life blood with fire that causes me to burn. Burning with desire to have that person with me.  But that is more desire than love.

Maybe it is need. I have never NEEDED anyone. I don't really know how to need anyone. I tried once a long time ago to need someone and it failed. So why do it again?

Isn't it better to want? To know that despite all the flaws you want that person. In spite of any failures, shortcomings, or odd little habits. To embrace it all and say, I still want you. Isn't that better?

I want you. Above everything else.