Vulnerable

This weekend did not go exactly as I had planned. In fact, not at all as I had planned. It feels a bit like my life.

You see, I am a goal setter. I am goal oriented. Goal driven. Without goals I feel very, directionless. Two years ago I saw many of my goals realized. Some happened just as I planned and some were achieved in such a roundabout way even I wasn't sure I had actually done it.

So with all that achievement why do I feel as if things are not going as planned? I wish I had an answer for this.

A friend of mine has told me there is a religion that believes that you can never be happy with what you achieve, for once you reach your goal you no longer want it.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe I am just completely off my rocker.

No matter HOW I arrived here, this is where I am currently. And no matter how I may have achieved these goals I am none the less feeling, annoyed.

Last night my Wulfie tried to snuggle up to me. To kiss me and likely to try to have sex with me.

I was cranky and tired. I had been asleep about an hour and he woke me.

Everything he did was irritating me. From his bristling beard to his stubbly cheek to his roaming hands.

I just wanted him to go away. And when he would move away I would pull him back and try to get it all to working again. I faced the conflict of wanting HIM but not wanting touch.

Something is bothering me and I know what it is. I know it is because I am peacekeeper and I feel very much that there are conflicts going on in my world that I can't control. Because while I am a pacifist I am also very much a control freak.

This is why I ignore social networking sites as a rule. I hate to see people I care about fighting, and I feel helpless.

Yes this is my problem. Yes I must find a way to deal with it.

I will.

But for today, I will mourn the loss of friends who were friends, and are no longer.