Without You

My princess is gone.

Seven months ago I confronted her because a mutual friend was surprised when I told her how in love I was and how I wanted to marry my girl. She was surprised because she was told we had broken up. And we had, nearly a year before we had split, and then gotten back together. So I corrected her and told her about the plans we were making to be together.

The next morning I went on Fetlife to send a note to my girl. I had seen her just a few days before on the day before Valentines, we had a huge family dinner together and I had kissed her and told her I loved her. She had told me she loved me too, and called me her girlfriend. She also whispered in my ear how horny she was.

Imagine my surprise at learning she had removed me from Fetlife. I sent her a text message saying simply, "Did we break up?" I was truly surprised and could recall nothing about this happening. Last I knew we were part of a happy family together.

It took awhile to find out from her that she had broken up with me on the day after Boxing Day. The day after I had a fairly major car accident. And she never said "I am breaking up with you." Instead telling me that she, "Was removing everyone from Fetlife." Ok, no biggie I remember thinking that Fetlife is sort of ridiculous at the best of times so I didn't care to much. This wasn't ending our relationship, she just wanted to have more freedom on the site. That was fine, I hardly could be bothered to even look at the site. And honestly, when she said "Everyone" I didn't really think that included me. I mean, she is my princess, we are committed, we have a future.

I was wrong I guess..

She broke up with me only one week after I helped her sort out her budget and loaned her money (and gave her a large sum) for a car. One week. She had to know. We spent so much time together in that week and I provided her with emotional and financial support. Because I believed we had a future together... and she already knew it was over.

The fact that this was her breaking up with me didn't occur to me until that friend mentioned it over two months later.

I spent much of the morning in my work bathroom stall, texting her and crying my eyes out. I was heartbroken. I had been working so hard towards our future together. I had prepped the man in my life, I had prepped my children for our upcoming marriage. I had taken steps to advance my career and myself as a person. I had helped her to set her feet on the path that would lead to our eventual cohabitation and marriage.

I was crushed. Devastated, and an absolute puddle on the floor.

Anger came next, how dare she be so fucking passive in her break up with me. How dare she not realize that I hadn't understood that day in the car, when I took her in my arms, held her, kissed her, told her I loved her. You don't do that when you break up with someone. You just don't accept their affection and listen to them tell you that you are loved. You don't do it.

She did it..

She gave zero indication that we had broken up.. In fact we spent more time together in that two months than we had in the previous two. Despite me now working on getting my Bachelors, and being so busy with everything else. I made up reasons to spend time with her. I just wanted to be with her...

She lied. This is what it comes down to. She lied, she pretended and she manipulated me. She lied, and my trust is still suffering for it in my other relationships. She lied, every time she touched me, looked at me, spoke to me.

She lied.

I still don't get it. It has been so hard these last seven months, getting over her. She did things that made it impossible for me to forget about her. She is still dependent on me even now. She made it nearly impossible for me to move on, for 18 months. I still have 10 months to go until she is completely out of my life.

She has moved on, part of me is glad she is someone else's problem. I hope they don't end up like I have.

I have learned a few very important things about all this.

I won't get involved with another person who can't manage their own money. And I won't be involved with anyone who dodges the tax man, or who has so many creditors chasing her that she has to call screen. Or who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions. Or has so many phobias and hang ups that they even affect the choices I have to make in the colour of car I drive.

No thanks.

Give me a strong confident partner who knows who they are and what they want. Someone who wants a life companion, not a crutch for their wasted life.

Moving right along now..