News

Ok my blog has slowed down considerably and it isn't from a lack of playing. There are several factors that have affected my ability to share the events of my life lately. After much internal debate with myself on how to proceed I have decided to share some of what is going on here.

I have had an extremely difficult two years. My father died, leaving me with half an estate I never wanted and so many unresolved issues that I have been overwhelmed. He was very young (only 58) and he basically drank himself to death. Sad man, he died alone in a puddle of his own vomit and excrement. I am sorry that his ending was so pathetic and that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to help him. I had already done enough.

I am incest survivor and this man had not been part of my life for a decade. I find myself suddenly not having to protect myself all the time. Suddenly I don't have to hide, I don't have to fight everyday to keep myself and my children safe. This has had a huge impact and it seems almost that my driving force has been taken away from me.

I have also been suffering from depression and anxiety that is so severe that I have been heavily medicated for much of the last 6 months. I have been on leave from work since August. I have seen various counsellors and doctors trying to get my head sorted out.

I have determined that these drugs sap my creativity and that is something I simply can not allow any longer. Who am I if I have no art to surround me? I stopped taking all medication 3 weeks ago. I am back to being and insomniac and having wild mood swings, the pain, internal and external has returned.

During this quest to redefine my life and find a new direction I have discovered that it is extremely likely that I have fibromyalgia. I have finally admitted to myself and my doctor that the pain I experience on a daily basis is not caused by any sort of mental defect and it is indeed my body telling me that something is actually wrong. There is no definitive test for fibromyalgia, so I will likely never have a fully confirmed case, but at least they can stop freaking me out with lupus tests every 6 months.

I start a new medication tonight that is supposed to be effective in treating fibromyalgia, if it steals away my creative voice again then I will stop taking it. My purest pleasure is creating, I refuse to loose it.

It seems when I read this that I am simply providing more excuses as to why I don't blog. It is possible that as I sit here, typing with my aching hands, that I am simply a hypochondriac and that this is all in my head.

I don't think so.

I refuse to let this get me down. I refuse to allow it to control me. I adamantly refuse to give up my quality of life.

This too shall pass.

On His Lap

I have a very dear friend who I have been playing with for around two years now. He is very gifted at bringing me to dizzying heights when we play.

At the last Surrey Munch I sat for sometime in his lap.

We spoke of many things, he and I.

Of how he will hurt me. He will make music out of the sweet, blissful agony he will cause me to experience. I will stay still enough for it all, no ties need bind me to this end, it is my darkest desire. I will beg and perhaps at times taunt him in order to ask, even demand a higher pinnacle to be reached.

The ways in which he torments me never fail to astonish me. My responses to him are primal.

I will cherish each moment.

I go to him, in need. He knows, and he fulfills it.