Without You

My princess is gone.

Seven months ago I confronted her because a mutual friend was surprised when I told her how in love I was and how I wanted to marry my girl. She was surprised because she was told we had broken up. And we had, nearly a year before we had split, and then gotten back together. So I corrected her and told her about the plans we were making to be together.

The next morning I went on Fetlife to send a note to my girl. I had seen her just a few days before on the day before Valentines, we had a huge family dinner together and I had kissed her and told her I loved her. She had told me she loved me too, and called me her girlfriend. She also whispered in my ear how horny she was.

Imagine my surprise at learning she had removed me from Fetlife. I sent her a text message saying simply, "Did we break up?" I was truly surprised and could recall nothing about this happening. Last I knew we were part of a happy family together.

It took awhile to find out from her that she had broken up with me on the day after Boxing Day. The day after I had a fairly major car accident. And she never said "I am breaking up with you." Instead telling me that she, "Was removing everyone from Fetlife." Ok, no biggie I remember thinking that Fetlife is sort of ridiculous at the best of times so I didn't care to much. This wasn't ending our relationship, she just wanted to have more freedom on the site. That was fine, I hardly could be bothered to even look at the site. And honestly, when she said "Everyone" I didn't really think that included me. I mean, she is my princess, we are committed, we have a future.

I was wrong I guess..

She broke up with me only one week after I helped her sort out her budget and loaned her money (and gave her a large sum) for a car. One week. She had to know. We spent so much time together in that week and I provided her with emotional and financial support. Because I believed we had a future together... and she already knew it was over.

The fact that this was her breaking up with me didn't occur to me until that friend mentioned it over two months later.

I spent much of the morning in my work bathroom stall, texting her and crying my eyes out. I was heartbroken. I had been working so hard towards our future together. I had prepped the man in my life, I had prepped my children for our upcoming marriage. I had taken steps to advance my career and myself as a person. I had helped her to set her feet on the path that would lead to our eventual cohabitation and marriage.

I was crushed. Devastated, and an absolute puddle on the floor.

Anger came next, how dare she be so fucking passive in her break up with me. How dare she not realize that I hadn't understood that day in the car, when I took her in my arms, held her, kissed her, told her I loved her. You don't do that when you break up with someone. You just don't accept their affection and listen to them tell you that you are loved. You don't do it.

She did it..

She gave zero indication that we had broken up.. In fact we spent more time together in that two months than we had in the previous two. Despite me now working on getting my Bachelors, and being so busy with everything else. I made up reasons to spend time with her. I just wanted to be with her...

She lied. This is what it comes down to. She lied, she pretended and she manipulated me. She lied, and my trust is still suffering for it in my other relationships. She lied, every time she touched me, looked at me, spoke to me.

She lied.

I still don't get it. It has been so hard these last seven months, getting over her. She did things that made it impossible for me to forget about her. She is still dependent on me even now. She made it nearly impossible for me to move on, for 18 months. I still have 10 months to go until she is completely out of my life.

She has moved on, part of me is glad she is someone else's problem. I hope they don't end up like I have.

I have learned a few very important things about all this.

I won't get involved with another person who can't manage their own money. And I won't be involved with anyone who dodges the tax man, or who has so many creditors chasing her that she has to call screen. Or who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions. Or has so many phobias and hang ups that they even affect the choices I have to make in the colour of car I drive.

No thanks.

Give me a strong confident partner who knows who they are and what they want. Someone who wants a life companion, not a crutch for their wasted life.

Moving right along now..

Pinned

I love force.

A man who can pin me and force me, has my loyalty. It reminds me of when I was angry with Master.

I was frustrated. I had worn his training collar for 6 months and I felt extremely dissatisfied. He had hinted at things he wanted to share with me, but then wouldn't. He played games with me.. toying with my emotions and my sexuality. I was coming unglued.

I was desperate.

I had a ritual I must follow before arriving at his home. I had to be cleanly waxed. Clothed in only a skirt, blouse and jacket. Thigh high stockings and heels. No panties, no bra. Hair perfect, clean and ready for him.

I had to park across the street and cross to his door. Knock, enter and without looking at him or anything else, remove my jacket, flip up my skirt and kneel in the middle of the floor. Arms stretched out in front of me, awaiting his inspection.

I am angry because I am not getting my way. I am trying to think of ways to get his attention as I feel ignored. I detest being overlooked.

I speak to him. I tell him how angry I am and that I don't want to obey anymore. I tell him that I don't want to come over. I always have to come to his house and he never comes to mine. I am seething inside, my anger is bubbling over inside me and I can not and will not contain it.

He orders me to come over. I tell him FINE but I will not obey anything else. I get in my car and start my trip to his home. My phone rings, he asks what I am wearing and I tell him my bra, panties, dress pants and a shirt. He tells me I best not have bra or panties on when I arrive at his house.

I sneer at him through the phone and ask what will happen if I do. He tells me if I wear them, I will not get anything I want this weekend. No pleasure, it will be a vanilla weekend entirely. I am shaking with rage. Yes rage is the right word now, my anger has intensified and I am clenching my teeth together. I throw my phone on the seat beside me and swear at it.

I get within a block of his house, stop at a gas station go into the bathroom and remove my panties and bra. I jam them into my bag and see there is a message blinking on my phone. It is a text from Master. "I love you even when you are angry Mine, obey me, everything will be ok. ~ Master"

I am nearing tears as my frustration churns in my gut and I feel sick. I park across the street from his house. Angry that I am not even allowed to park in his driveway. He treats me like shit.

I get out of my car and slam the door shut. Stomping across the street and knocking loudly on his door.

The door opens, I can smell him, I won't look at him. I step inside, throw my coat on the floor and pull my pants off and throw them beside it. Messing up Master's perfect house.

I throw myself to the floor wearing only my blouse. Kneeling and stretching out. My breath is coming in gasps and I am nearly sobbing in my emotional state.

I hear him walking around me, I know he is looking down at me. I arch my back and tense every muscle in my body. Trying to close myself off from him in this wide open position he has me in.

His hand is on my butt cheek and I move away from his touch angrily. I don't want him to touch me! I want to speak and I want him to speak! He has not given me words yet and I am bound by my contract to obey him. My emotions whirling inside me, white hot.

He is silent and kneeling behind me. I am breathing in great huffs. He grabs my hips and without any warning he is pushing his cock into me and fucking me.

Fine! I fuck back into him hard. Pushing against him with all my strength. His hands are at my waist and I am growling in low gutteral tones. He is fucking me hard and I am holding back my orgasms.

Suddenly I am flipped on my back and my shirt is ripped open. He is squeezing my tits in his hands. He doesn't look at me, he treats me like a wild animal. I am hitting him and struggling and trying to get away.

He pins me to the floor and his cock is inside me. He is so strong and I am fighting him and gasping and crying and trying to bite him. His hands press me flat to floor and he takes his pleasure. I am squirting all over his cock and I am crying and screaming now "NO NO NO" my body has betrayed me. My passion is so obvious, and I am his to take and mold however he wishes.

He owns me. I am in tears as he whispers in my ear to fight all I want, that my body knows where it belongs. His thrusting is deep and hard and I am cumming again. He pulls out and sprays his cum all over my breasts and tummy.

He gets off me and walks to the kitchen. I can hear water running. I am sitting up on the floor and I am still thrumming with anger. This has solved nothing!

He comes back to me and has a glass of water that he hands to me. I look at it and take it from him. I want to throw it at him, but I don't quite dare. The thought actually scares me a bit. I sob and  burst into tears.

He takes the glass from me and sets it aside. He pulls me into his arms and strokes my hair softly. I am struggling to get away and fighting him and crying. Cussing and telling him I don't want this, telling him how angry I am and how unfair it is. Not using words as he still hasn't given then to me, only in my struggling and wild screams.

He has pinned me flat to the floor in an instant. Face down this time. And he is raping me. I am struggling and trying to get away. His hands are rough and hurting me and his cock is insistent at pulling each shuddering orgasm from deep inside me. The carpet under me is rough and scraping at my skin and the pain only makes me struggling more. His hands pushing me harder and deeper. I teeter on the edge of desire and anger and then tumble off into the abyss that is his passion.

He pulls his cock out of me and sprays cum all over my ass, marking me as his bitch. I am crying now in great racking sobs. He will not even feed me his cum... I am nothing but a cunt now.

I lay there crying, he pulls me up off the floor and cradles me to his chest. His hands are gentle now, and I am sobbing. He just holds me and rubs his hands over my body, he can feel that the stress of all the anger has left me. That and I am no longer trying to hit him.

I look up into his big brown eyes, I see concern and compassion in their depths, behind the confidence that always shines from him. I know my own gaze shows my confusion and my sorrow. I know, in that moment, that he can take anything I throw at him.

He continues to soothe me until I stop crying and then points across the room. There are five white roses and one red rose in a vase. He tells me they are for me. He tells me how beautiful I am, and that the white roses represent the purity and passion I bring to him each time I visit. The red one is my anger.

He asks me what I will do with the red rose. I look up at him and move away to sit cross legged beside him. Pondering the red, vibrant amongst the white. "I will leave it there for you Master, you must take all of me if you want any of me."

His answer is a smile and his hands, his roughened calloused hands, gently pull me back to him.

I am always amazed that I obeyed him even in this absolute rage I was in. I trusted that he could fix it, I trusted that he knew how to take care of me. In that moment, he did.