Connections

I am going to be blogging a lot about my primary partner just by virtue of the fact we are together more than anyone else I play with (hence the term primary). Recently we were able to reconnect over sushi and naked "Little Big Planet" here is the outcome.

I am sitting on the futon mattress that has been tossed on the floor in front of the tv. Naked and playing video games with the man I love. I set my remote down and nuzzle close.

Soon my head is in his lap and I am licking and sucking his cock. I slip off to my room for safer sex supplies and lube, returning to resume a comfortable position, my pussy is within easy reach of his probing fingers and he has a great view of the hot action as well.

Now just as point of reference we have been sexually active for a year and I have never succeeded in having him orgasm during a BJ. I like to consider myself more than skilled at this activity and the fact that it hadn't happened yet was mildly disconcerting.

My fingers slide down between his cheeks and stroke at his taint and balls. My mouth following as I suckle each ball in my mouth and then lick and suck at his sensitive taint. My hands are busy, one stroking and squeezing his cock just so, as the other tickles and strokes into his crack. Teasing his puckered anus, his moans fill my ears. I slip a finger inside and stroke, reaching for his prostrate and rubbing it.

He tells me how much he likes it when I squeeze a certain way while stroking, I make sure to take his direction as my lips rub and suck. Tongue darting out as I shift back up and lap at the tip of his dick. He is groaning and I express how much I want his cum.

He relaxes under my caresses and I continue lavishing attention on him. My fingertips circling his hole, thumb rubbing his taint, pressing into the sensitive nerves underneath and stroking. My other hand is stroking his shaft and up over the meatus, squeezing and stroking, over and over. He tells me he is going to cum as my mouth sucks at the head of his cock each time it pops out of my stroking hand.

I contain my personal excitement, and don't change a thing, steady speed and pressure.

Within three strokes his orgasm is bubbling out of him, spraying his cum as I continue sucking and stroking, riding him with my mouth right through to the very last spurt and beyond.

Afterward I lay with my head on his tummy looking up at him and smiling. He laughs at my 'lil gurl grins" and his smile tells me how happy he is that I never gave up on making this event happen for both of us.

I ask if that is my Christmas present and he laughs.. no, I am told, that is yet to come.

Soon he pulls me up to kiss him and our passion swells around me. I am squirming and I can feel my desire screaming just under the surface of my skin.

He pushes me down onto the mattress and all he says is "Stay" his hands untangle from my hair as he gets up and goes into our room.

He comes back, I can hear him swinging something through the air and I have no idea what he has in mind.

His hands are rubbing over my ass and thighs, the spanking begins. He spanks me hard! I am whimpering and squirming and he just keeps spanking me, hard and fast. I am gasping and unable to process the sting of his hands as the blows come to fast for my body to understand.

He picks up his flogger and brushes the tails over my ass. My hunger is rising and his strokes are hard against my ass. His flogger is made of rather rough leather and I delight in feeling the coarse hide chaff against my sensitive bum. I grab at the falls when he pauses and rub them against my bum and upper thighs. A low growl is ripping through me.

I turn over onto my back and he begins flogging my tits, tummy and mons. I am scared of the falls hitting my chest where my recent cutting is still healing but he is very careful to put the impact on the meat of my breasts and lower. He explains that he is bringing the flogger up so high to make his aim better and not to be afraid. I whimper as I watch him and the delightfully scratchy leather is once more slapped into my willing flesh.

My legs are spread wide and he is flogging my pussy. I can't help myself as I reach and grab the tails rubbing them over my cunt and nipples. He pulls the falls free again and his strikes become slow and languid. My orgasm is clamoring inside me, clawing like a ravenous beast awaiting the opportunity to burst free of my flesh.

He urges me on, coaxing me with strikes and leather rubbing. Madness seems to hover near, I am sobbing at the intensity of it all and tears are dripping from the corners of my eyes. He notices and stops coming up to cuddle me and stroke me. I beg him to continue, he thinks I am laughing but I reassure him I am crying. His beating of my pussy continues, my clit is swollen and tender, it feels like it will explode every time he strikes it. My sobs grow broken and tears flow as I finally succumb and allow the orgasm to bust free of my restraints.

His flogger is cast aside and he has me on my knees and bent over, his cock is probing my depths and I am squirting in the reckless abandon of multiple orgasms.

Our sex and play continues for some time before I start begging him to put clips on my clit and pussy.

 He tells me to go get the toys I want used on me and I rush off to our toy closet. I stand in the open doorway looking at the shelves and wondering how greedy I should be?

Grabbing the clips and clothespins, and my vampire gloves, a longing look is cast at the shelves filled with sex toys but I leave them behind. My instincts telling me if I am to greedy that I will be punished, and not in a good way!

I return to him, and set the items on the couch. He pulls me into his lap so my back is leaning against his naked chest. I nuzzle into him and kiss him hungrily.

He reaches up and grabs a handful of clips. I really want them on my pussy but he is putting them on my tits and nipples. I HATE clamps on my nipples, they are so sensitive it is just annoying to me. He knows this and does it anyway. I am whimpering and whining and he is laughing at me. I start taking clips off almost as fast as he is putting them on!

He calls me a bad girl and grabs the really nasty ones, I start hiding under the blanket and crying out "NO DADDY NO NO NO I"M A GOOD GIRL!"

He is laughing and pinching the clips on. I am unclipping them and throwing them across the room. "NO NO EEE" He is calling me a bad girl and I don't care!

He grabs the vampire gloves next as he lays me on the floor face up. He has never used these before and I give him instructions on them.

It is not long before the sharp points are pricking my skin and I am nearly cumming again. I climb back up off the floor and straddle him as his sharp clad fingers grip my ass and rub down my back and over my hip. I am struggling to hold in my screams as I feel him enter me and pump deep inside to where my orgasm has gathered. It rushes out of me, soaking us both and leaving me whimpering and without the ability to think.

He pulls the gloves off and I climb off him, curling up beside him as he feeds me bits of fruit and chocolate. I am blissing out completely and tell him no one has made me cry like that before.

He is wearing a very contented look and I sigh happily.

In my minds eye I imagine there is a sea of faces watching us, and they now applaud our evening of re-establishing and deepening our connection to each other.

Anniversary

This time of year will always be special to me. My birthday, and several cherished family members birthdays. My ex husband and I were married in October, it was a pretty ceremony and full of the love we had for each other at the time.

More importantly it marks the anniversary of telling my three teenagers that I am bi-sexual. I cried when they accepted me so openly and told me they loved me and that they had kind of guessed as much. I wept tears of joy and relief at finally being able to admit to them, and then the world who I am. They each held me until we ended up in a huge group hug. Wiggling and giggling at each other while they kissed and hugged and tickled my tears away.

Soon after I advised them that a good friend of mine was indeed my girlfriend. They had guessed as much as well.

I am so grateful everyday for my gorgeous kids and their capacity to love. Thank you goes out to them everyday for being the amazing people that they are.

No shame, no embarrassment, no judgements, no name-calling, no harsh phobias.

Love, joy, acceptance and understanding.

Who could possibly want for anything more?

Journals

I was cleaning out closets today and found my old journals. They were tucked away in a box and when I cracked them open I was surprised at just how much I had written down.

The journals date back to 2002 and my first steps in the lifestyle with a man I will always love, my first Dominant. We parted ways in 2004 and I will always regret the hurt I caused him. He certainly did not deserve the annoying, bitchy, willful "submissive" that I was. It was very unfair to him and reading my journals and the one comment he ever wrote in them reminds me how I really needed to grow up and actually become an independent woman. What gift could I offer him really? The gift of a little girl trapped and lonely and trying desperately to escape from the hell she found herself in.

No I had no real gift to give him, nothing to offer in return for the care he showered on me. So I took and took, feeling inadequate but somehow justified too. I look at the collar he once placed around my neck with fond memories, I even saved the ribbons and the box from it. The notes he tucked inside, the cards for holidays and birthdays. Endearments that he lavished on me.

My journals from those days are filled with fear and hate. The confident, sexy, independent woman I am today was well hidden. I thought being strong was unattractive and that if I was to strong that no one would ever want me.

The most basic human need is to belong, and so I hid away my strengths and flaunted my weaknesses in hopes of belonging.

I was so very wrong.

I am strong, smart, beautiful, alluring and powerful!

I love who I am inside and out, that frightened little girl inside me has found peace in the stability of knowing I am capable.

It is wonderful to know that I belong. Not so much to another person, which is very good. Or to a community that is supportive and upbeat, which I adore.

The best part is knowing, without any shadow of a doubt, that I belong to me. I carry my sense of well being and of belonging inside of myself.

The little girl has reconciled her past and become a woman. There are so many people to thank for it along the way, but mostly I thank myself.

I never gave up on me. I grabbed out for help when I was desperate and alone and used that help to regroup and regain my sense of self. I never quit trying to become free of the shame and shackles of my past. Now I give back in small ways, hoping to help others. Being trapped is not something I would wish on anyone.

I am free, and I am me.

The journals have been tucked away again, they are a poignant reminder of the struggle I came from and to be careful with myself and with those I love. The man that I wrote of communicates with me occasionally and I know he is well enough. I will never in a million apologies be able to atone for the mountains of grief I piled upon his dear heart. I will always remember the wonderful moments we shared, and cry alone in sadness at the pain I caused.

I can not regret any of it, all of it merely steps on the path I travel. I can not wish any of it was different, only hope the people whose lives I touched, regard me in the same way as I do each of them. A lesson to be studied and learned.

Precious self, keep on your journey, it is after all, not about the destination at all.

Thank you Goddess for being with me and in me through it all.

Romance

I have been accused of being insensitive, and unromantic. It frustrates me to hear these words directed at me, as I view myself as a hopeless romantic.

I have spent my fair share of timemaking romantic dinners and scattering beds with rosepetals. But my favorite romantic things are always more about finding something different to do that the other person will really enjoy.

One of the most romantic things I ever did was for my ex-husband. It was his birthday and we were so pathetically poor that I had no money at all to do anything. So I decided to do something fun.

I baked a cake (and ingredients were scarce) and then I cut out the letters of HAPPY BIRTHDAY and on each letter I placed a clue that led to the next letter. The last letter was on his cake.

I woke him up and he followed the clues, all bewildered and finally found his cake. He laughed and dipped his finger in the icing and fed it to me. We embraced and kissed. It was a sweet and carefree moment and I still think it is one of the more romantic things I have done.

Perhaps the most romantic moment of my life was when Master surprised me with the most breathtaking scenery I had ever seen.

I arrived at his home and we did our usualy ritual greeting. The next morning had him dragging me out of bed at 6am. I was so sleepy, we had been up late playing and I had serious bedhead.

He pushed me into the shower and while I got clean he pulled out clothing and shoes for me. I toweled off and found a pair of comfy jeans and long sleeved shirt, with a hoody and thick quilted vest. Hikers and warm comfy socks for my feet. I groaned in mock tiredness and whimpered at him as he laughed and jumped in the shower. He knew I was getting curious.

Not long after we were in his car, picnic lunch in the backseat, hurling down the freeway. Master liked to drive fast and I thrill at the speed and his control of the vehicle. We are driving back towards my house and I wonder where we are going when he takes an exit I have never used before.

He is driving through countryside that is unfamiliar to me. I know what is north and south but we are heading west towards the ocean. I reach over and take his hand and ask in my sweetest lil gurl voice where we are going. His only response is a smile. I settle back in my seat and watch out the window. Curiosity gnawing away at me and making me fidget with impatience.

Now we are in sudden forest and I stare up at the tall trees appreciatively, I adore trees. A picnic in the forest maybe?

Just as sudden as the forest begins it ends and we are on bridge crossing between the land that was and the land that will be. I am stunned and my jaw drops. The bridge must be 500 Meters above the water that churns below. The cliffs drop sheer to the water.

Amazed at the wild beauty I cry out and point out a bald eagle. "Master look!" He smiles broader at my response.

On the other side of the bridge he parks and I jump out of the car.

"OH please! Please can we walk across the bridge!"

He seizes my hand saying absolutely and we walk back onto the bridge. Stopping at many spots to take photos and I hug him a bunch and breathe deep the scent of the forest and water and rocks.

He tells me what this place is, Deception Pass and tells me a bit of history about it. I can tell he is pleased that I am so happy with his surprise.

Eager to explore he allows me to scramble down the path to the water and I perch on a rock over the water looking up at the bridge above me. Stunning to see the metal bolted to the cliff walls and spanning the distance between them.

He takes my picture as I am gazing up at them, I turn and smile at him and slipping down from the rock I skip over and hug him again.

To soon it is time to go and we clamber back up the cliff to the car. I sigh as I settle into the seat and grasp Masters hand, kissing his fingers, grateful for this moment with him.

He continues driving west and we end up in this tiny lil town, sitting on a pier and eating the tuna fish sandwiches he packed for us. I swing my feet out over the water happy and content and loving the sunshine and the beautiful moment. Loving him and that he took the time to think of what I would like to do.

Later we wander through the tiny downtown shops just looking at things and goofing around.

Maybe this doesn't fit some ideas or romance, but it sure made my heart melt!

Pinned

I love force.

A man who can pin me and force me, has my loyalty. It reminds me of when I was angry with Master.

I was frustrated. I had worn his training collar for 6 months and I felt extremely dissatisfied. He had hinted at things he wanted to share with me, but then wouldn't. He played games with me.. toying with my emotions and my sexuality. I was coming unglued.

I was desperate.

I had a ritual I must follow before arriving at his home. I had to be cleanly waxed. Clothed in only a skirt, blouse and jacket. Thigh high stockings and heels. No panties, no bra. Hair perfect, clean and ready for him.

I had to park across the street and cross to his door. Knock, enter and without looking at him or anything else, remove my jacket, flip up my skirt and kneel in the middle of the floor. Arms stretched out in front of me, awaiting his inspection.

I am angry because I am not getting my way. I am trying to think of ways to get his attention as I feel ignored. I detest being overlooked.

I speak to him. I tell him how angry I am and that I don't want to obey anymore. I tell him that I don't want to come over. I always have to come to his house and he never comes to mine. I am seething inside, my anger is bubbling over inside me and I can not and will not contain it.

He orders me to come over. I tell him FINE but I will not obey anything else. I get in my car and start my trip to his home. My phone rings, he asks what I am wearing and I tell him my bra, panties, dress pants and a shirt. He tells me I best not have bra or panties on when I arrive at his house.

I sneer at him through the phone and ask what will happen if I do. He tells me if I wear them, I will not get anything I want this weekend. No pleasure, it will be a vanilla weekend entirely. I am shaking with rage. Yes rage is the right word now, my anger has intensified and I am clenching my teeth together. I throw my phone on the seat beside me and swear at it.

I get within a block of his house, stop at a gas station go into the bathroom and remove my panties and bra. I jam them into my bag and see there is a message blinking on my phone. It is a text from Master. "I love you even when you are angry Mine, obey me, everything will be ok. ~ Master"

I am nearing tears as my frustration churns in my gut and I feel sick. I park across the street from his house. Angry that I am not even allowed to park in his driveway. He treats me like shit.

I get out of my car and slam the door shut. Stomping across the street and knocking loudly on his door.

The door opens, I can smell him, I won't look at him. I step inside, throw my coat on the floor and pull my pants off and throw them beside it. Messing up Master's perfect house.

I throw myself to the floor wearing only my blouse. Kneeling and stretching out. My breath is coming in gasps and I am nearly sobbing in my emotional state.

I hear him walking around me, I know he is looking down at me. I arch my back and tense every muscle in my body. Trying to close myself off from him in this wide open position he has me in.

His hand is on my butt cheek and I move away from his touch angrily. I don't want him to touch me! I want to speak and I want him to speak! He has not given me words yet and I am bound by my contract to obey him. My emotions whirling inside me, white hot.

He is silent and kneeling behind me. I am breathing in great huffs. He grabs my hips and without any warning he is pushing his cock into me and fucking me.

Fine! I fuck back into him hard. Pushing against him with all my strength. His hands are at my waist and I am growling in low gutteral tones. He is fucking me hard and I am holding back my orgasms.

Suddenly I am flipped on my back and my shirt is ripped open. He is squeezing my tits in his hands. He doesn't look at me, he treats me like a wild animal. I am hitting him and struggling and trying to get away.

He pins me to the floor and his cock is inside me. He is so strong and I am fighting him and gasping and crying and trying to bite him. His hands press me flat to floor and he takes his pleasure. I am squirting all over his cock and I am crying and screaming now "NO NO NO" my body has betrayed me. My passion is so obvious, and I am his to take and mold however he wishes.

He owns me. I am in tears as he whispers in my ear to fight all I want, that my body knows where it belongs. His thrusting is deep and hard and I am cumming again. He pulls out and sprays his cum all over my breasts and tummy.

He gets off me and walks to the kitchen. I can hear water running. I am sitting up on the floor and I am still thrumming with anger. This has solved nothing!

He comes back to me and has a glass of water that he hands to me. I look at it and take it from him. I want to throw it at him, but I don't quite dare. The thought actually scares me a bit. I sob and  burst into tears.

He takes the glass from me and sets it aside. He pulls me into his arms and strokes my hair softly. I am struggling to get away and fighting him and crying. Cussing and telling him I don't want this, telling him how angry I am and how unfair it is. Not using words as he still hasn't given then to me, only in my struggling and wild screams.

He has pinned me flat to the floor in an instant. Face down this time. And he is raping me. I am struggling and trying to get away. His hands are rough and hurting me and his cock is insistent at pulling each shuddering orgasm from deep inside me. The carpet under me is rough and scraping at my skin and the pain only makes me struggling more. His hands pushing me harder and deeper. I teeter on the edge of desire and anger and then tumble off into the abyss that is his passion.

He pulls his cock out of me and sprays cum all over my ass, marking me as his bitch. I am crying now in great racking sobs. He will not even feed me his cum... I am nothing but a cunt now.

I lay there crying, he pulls me up off the floor and cradles me to his chest. His hands are gentle now, and I am sobbing. He just holds me and rubs his hands over my body, he can feel that the stress of all the anger has left me. That and I am no longer trying to hit him.

I look up into his big brown eyes, I see concern and compassion in their depths, behind the confidence that always shines from him. I know my own gaze shows my confusion and my sorrow. I know, in that moment, that he can take anything I throw at him.

He continues to soothe me until I stop crying and then points across the room. There are five white roses and one red rose in a vase. He tells me they are for me. He tells me how beautiful I am, and that the white roses represent the purity and passion I bring to him each time I visit. The red one is my anger.

He asks me what I will do with the red rose. I look up at him and move away to sit cross legged beside him. Pondering the red, vibrant amongst the white. "I will leave it there for you Master, you must take all of me if you want any of me."

His answer is a smile and his hands, his roughened calloused hands, gently pull me back to him.

I am always amazed that I obeyed him even in this absolute rage I was in. I trusted that he could fix it, I trusted that he knew how to take care of me. In that moment, he did.