Saturday, September 24, 2011
Love
I like wanting it keeps me hungry and on my toes. Needing just seems to make me weak and messy. I hate both traits, especially in myself.
I always sucked at writing love poems. When I tried it would take me months to write each stanza. I thought at first it was because the emotion was so involving but then I realized that I just didn't feel it like others would write about.
Love should fit in a neat tidy little box and when I want to feel it I just pull the box out, look at it and rub it into my skin like a rich ladies perfumed lotion. Nourishing my soul from the outside in. Taking what I want and leaving the rest in the box. Putting the lid on it and placing it back on the shelf until next time I want to feel.
It has always felt to me that while I am capable of love, I am never capable of loving as much as the person who loves me.
I have never felt that desperate sort of love. The kind where you feel like every single breath you take that isn't filled with the scent of your love, is toxic. The kind of love that makes you beg, that makes you wish you could crawl inside the other persons skin just so you can get close enough to them finally.
I haven't known this love. Maybe it just isn't part of my makeup to love someone so desperately. I hate being needy maybe that is it.
I have felt the instant jolt of a connection that seems to go beyond a handshake and ignites my life blood with fire that causes me to burn. Burning with desire to have that person with me. But that is more desire than love.
Maybe it is need. I have never NEEDED anyone. I don't really know how to need anyone. I tried once a long time ago to need someone and it failed. So why do it again?
Isn't it better to want? To know that despite all the flaws you want that person. In spite of any failures, shortcomings, or odd little habits. To embrace it all and say, I still want you. Isn't that better?
I want you. Above everything else.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
My Thing
I love costumes.
I think it is a left over from the days of playing dress-up as a very small child. I remember opening up my mom or one of my grandmas jewellery boxes always made me curious and the smell of their closets was amazing. Even my great grandmothers closets were full of mystery and opportunity.
My great grandmother was born in 1901 and her closet was filled with fur coats, fitted suits, a few flapper costumes and every pair of shoes had a matching bag. OH! And she had dozens of pairs of gloves. To this day the style of the suits and the ladies wearing gloves and hats, matching shoes and handbag. A bit of fur draped around her shoulders, is class. I love to dress up in this style and any style really.
My grandma's were both around the same age but both were so very different. Both born in the 30's into an impoverished nation they learned from birth never to throw anything out.
My paternal grandmother, did not ever sew when I knew her although she mended umpteen pairs of socks and underwear. She was an artist trapped in a farm wife's life. No one knew her artist potential until she was in her 70's and she only had 12 years to paint until she went blind. She had a very starched closet. Her clothes were mostly cotton and everything hung on a line to dry and was ironed. She had sturdy shoes and sturdy bags, she bought everything for durability and nothing for it's beauty or comfort. The one thing she had was fur. Living on the prairies she had 8 fur coats. She never tolerated the cold very well and my grandpa bought her mink, beaver, ermine, reindeer, and something that looked like tiger but couldn't have been. I remember playing in her closet and feeling the soft furs.
My maternal grandmother was another artist. She was the main supporter of the family as my grandfathers career was as a musician, and while he was good he was no Louis Armstrong or Count Bassie! Her art was clothing. She worked selling Singer sewing machines almost her entire life and she would sew anything. From elaborate costumes to the most perfect A-line skirt you could imagine. Her closet was so enticing and she was very careful with her treasure trove of clothing. She would wash my hands before she would allow me entrance to her wardrobe. But what treasures! Everything from the softest silks and satins to rough tweeds and everything imaginable in between. I will never forget the day she allowed me to try on her fur lined suit from the 50's. I was 12 and while I knew it was far out of fashion I stood mesmerized as the silk suit jacket was buttoned up around me. She placed a hat on my head and I stepped into a pair of heels. It was amazing and I felt beautiful!
My mother worked in a retail department store most of my life, selling shoes which to this day is what she does. You have to Nordstroms only a smidge smaller and about 3 times the price. Her closet was amazing. She had shoes that were so beautiful you would want to cry. The leather was so supple and they were all heels at least 3 inches high. She had suits and dresses that were breathtaking. I loved trying on her dresses and parading around in front of mirrors. She also had an extensive lingerie collection and when she would tire of something she would give it to me. Hoping to stop me from being such a Tom Boy I suppose. She also sewed and if she couldn't afford what she wanted she would make a duplicate so awesome no one could tell the difference. She was famous for her furs as well.
Costuming was something all 4 of these women took very seriously. My mother would start asking us in January what we wanted to be for Halloween and we always had the best costumes. I won many prizes for the innovation of our costumes. I had everything from a cowgirl outfit, complete with boots, to a rabbit costume that was made of the softest fun fur they could find. I even had a Michael Jackson costume, two in fact. And the cutest Pocahontas costume where my mom even made my cabbage patch doll into a papoosa.
So with a history of so much dress up is it surprising how much I love costumes? Not really.
Being vegan I have no fur in my closet and very little leather other than shoes. It is by design that I veer away from such items.
It is almost time for Halloween and I am planning on adding 4 new costumes to my ever growing collection. I can see no reason at all why I shouldn't, and every reason why I should! For me Halloween lasts all year long and I am not above zipping myself into a costume any darn time I like it!
I also am hoping to attend no less than 4 Halloween events this year. I am so excited that my toes are curling!
So if you see a girl in a Minnie Mouse costume in the middle of January? That's probably me, enjoying my closet and loving every minute of my playtime!
I think it is a left over from the days of playing dress-up as a very small child. I remember opening up my mom or one of my grandmas jewellery boxes always made me curious and the smell of their closets was amazing. Even my great grandmothers closets were full of mystery and opportunity.
My great grandmother was born in 1901 and her closet was filled with fur coats, fitted suits, a few flapper costumes and every pair of shoes had a matching bag. OH! And she had dozens of pairs of gloves. To this day the style of the suits and the ladies wearing gloves and hats, matching shoes and handbag. A bit of fur draped around her shoulders, is class. I love to dress up in this style and any style really.
My grandma's were both around the same age but both were so very different. Both born in the 30's into an impoverished nation they learned from birth never to throw anything out.
My paternal grandmother, did not ever sew when I knew her although she mended umpteen pairs of socks and underwear. She was an artist trapped in a farm wife's life. No one knew her artist potential until she was in her 70's and she only had 12 years to paint until she went blind. She had a very starched closet. Her clothes were mostly cotton and everything hung on a line to dry and was ironed. She had sturdy shoes and sturdy bags, she bought everything for durability and nothing for it's beauty or comfort. The one thing she had was fur. Living on the prairies she had 8 fur coats. She never tolerated the cold very well and my grandpa bought her mink, beaver, ermine, reindeer, and something that looked like tiger but couldn't have been. I remember playing in her closet and feeling the soft furs.
My maternal grandmother was another artist. She was the main supporter of the family as my grandfathers career was as a musician, and while he was good he was no Louis Armstrong or Count Bassie! Her art was clothing. She worked selling Singer sewing machines almost her entire life and she would sew anything. From elaborate costumes to the most perfect A-line skirt you could imagine. Her closet was so enticing and she was very careful with her treasure trove of clothing. She would wash my hands before she would allow me entrance to her wardrobe. But what treasures! Everything from the softest silks and satins to rough tweeds and everything imaginable in between. I will never forget the day she allowed me to try on her fur lined suit from the 50's. I was 12 and while I knew it was far out of fashion I stood mesmerized as the silk suit jacket was buttoned up around me. She placed a hat on my head and I stepped into a pair of heels. It was amazing and I felt beautiful!
My mother worked in a retail department store most of my life, selling shoes which to this day is what she does. You have to Nordstroms only a smidge smaller and about 3 times the price. Her closet was amazing. She had shoes that were so beautiful you would want to cry. The leather was so supple and they were all heels at least 3 inches high. She had suits and dresses that were breathtaking. I loved trying on her dresses and parading around in front of mirrors. She also had an extensive lingerie collection and when she would tire of something she would give it to me. Hoping to stop me from being such a Tom Boy I suppose. She also sewed and if she couldn't afford what she wanted she would make a duplicate so awesome no one could tell the difference. She was famous for her furs as well.
Costuming was something all 4 of these women took very seriously. My mother would start asking us in January what we wanted to be for Halloween and we always had the best costumes. I won many prizes for the innovation of our costumes. I had everything from a cowgirl outfit, complete with boots, to a rabbit costume that was made of the softest fun fur they could find. I even had a Michael Jackson costume, two in fact. And the cutest Pocahontas costume where my mom even made my cabbage patch doll into a papoosa.
So with a history of so much dress up is it surprising how much I love costumes? Not really.
Being vegan I have no fur in my closet and very little leather other than shoes. It is by design that I veer away from such items.
It is almost time for Halloween and I am planning on adding 4 new costumes to my ever growing collection. I can see no reason at all why I shouldn't, and every reason why I should! For me Halloween lasts all year long and I am not above zipping myself into a costume any darn time I like it!
I also am hoping to attend no less than 4 Halloween events this year. I am so excited that my toes are curling!
So if you see a girl in a Minnie Mouse costume in the middle of January? That's probably me, enjoying my closet and loving every minute of my playtime!
Friday, September 16, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Blowdart
One must always obey when told, "Girl! Go put your face to the wall and bare your ass, HE has something for you." I hesitated only a moment before obeying. It wasn't really my desire to submit but my love of pain and my undying curiosity LOL.
She sidled up to me before anything happened and told me what was going to take place. I only had a brief moment of fear, then relaxed. I knew this was a risk I wanted to take and while mildly edgy it wouldn't kill me. I didn't tell her about my brief experience as a child because I realized it didn't matter what happened when I was four years old, not more than 3 decades later.
He was meanwhile lining up behind me. I could hear the crowd murmuring behind me. Suddenly FWAP and I felt a little poke. It didn't stick and fell to the floor.
One more time (and I called out, ok hurry I am beginning to loose my nerve!) this time I felt a dull thud and looked back to see the dart sticking out of my ass. It didn't hurt just felt mildly peculiar. He wiggled it around inside me and I wiggled my bum at him. I could feel a small surge of endorphins making me giddy.
Then he grabbed hold and pulled it out. The sting of an alcohol wipe came next. It actually hurt more than anything else and I laughed at that.
My first experience with a blowdart and all the feedback I could give was, "Next time lets do my boobs!"
He was great making sure the bleeding stopped before I wandered away into the party.
Of course now I was fired up and ready to play so I moved on to my first play session of the night.
It was a good night!
She sidled up to me before anything happened and told me what was going to take place. I only had a brief moment of fear, then relaxed. I knew this was a risk I wanted to take and while mildly edgy it wouldn't kill me. I didn't tell her about my brief experience as a child because I realized it didn't matter what happened when I was four years old, not more than 3 decades later.
He was meanwhile lining up behind me. I could hear the crowd murmuring behind me. Suddenly FWAP and I felt a little poke. It didn't stick and fell to the floor.
One more time (and I called out, ok hurry I am beginning to loose my nerve!) this time I felt a dull thud and looked back to see the dart sticking out of my ass. It didn't hurt just felt mildly peculiar. He wiggled it around inside me and I wiggled my bum at him. I could feel a small surge of endorphins making me giddy.
Then he grabbed hold and pulled it out. The sting of an alcohol wipe came next. It actually hurt more than anything else and I laughed at that.
My first experience with a blowdart and all the feedback I could give was, "Next time lets do my boobs!"
He was great making sure the bleeding stopped before I wandered away into the party.
Of course now I was fired up and ready to play so I moved on to my first play session of the night.
It was a good night!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
News
I consider myself to be artistic in so many different areas..
Recently I have been painting and making music and drawing. My writing, while never forgotten has become secondary for awhile. I have done one or two mildly erotic drawings, I expect that soon I will begin painting the figures I have only begun to practice drawing. We shall see how good they turn out!
Car accidents suck. I have said it before and here I am saying it again. Please everyone drive carefully. Even the most minor crash can have lasting effects. I mean here I am 4 months later, still in pain and still unable to scene much for fear of injury. This was a very minor car crash. Unfortunately the man who hit, did so at precisely the right angle, velocity and timing to cause what may be a permanent injury. I re-iterate. Car accidents suck.
On the up side of all this. I am strong. I always knew I was but now I know it even more so. And better yet than me being strong, my lovers are strong. This is incredible and amazing. How I ended up with the most incredible people in my life I will never know. I don't really feel like I deserve it, but I will take it. Who could pass them up? I am just not that kind of crazy!
I feel like I am constantly saying thank you lately and here I am again being grateful that I have people who actually want to read about my adventures. So thank you!
I am going to start something new on my blog very soon. Don't worry it will keep the same theme. And hopefully be sexier than ever. I don't want to give it away I find that if I tell anyone about it then it becomes a promise and ends up feeling like a job. The last thing I need is another JOB.
Take care everyone, stay sane out there.
Recently I have been painting and making music and drawing. My writing, while never forgotten has become secondary for awhile. I have done one or two mildly erotic drawings, I expect that soon I will begin painting the figures I have only begun to practice drawing. We shall see how good they turn out!
Car accidents suck. I have said it before and here I am saying it again. Please everyone drive carefully. Even the most minor crash can have lasting effects. I mean here I am 4 months later, still in pain and still unable to scene much for fear of injury. This was a very minor car crash. Unfortunately the man who hit, did so at precisely the right angle, velocity and timing to cause what may be a permanent injury. I re-iterate. Car accidents suck.
On the up side of all this. I am strong. I always knew I was but now I know it even more so. And better yet than me being strong, my lovers are strong. This is incredible and amazing. How I ended up with the most incredible people in my life I will never know. I don't really feel like I deserve it, but I will take it. Who could pass them up? I am just not that kind of crazy!
I feel like I am constantly saying thank you lately and here I am again being grateful that I have people who actually want to read about my adventures. So thank you!
I am going to start something new on my blog very soon. Don't worry it will keep the same theme. And hopefully be sexier than ever. I don't want to give it away I find that if I tell anyone about it then it becomes a promise and ends up feeling like a job. The last thing I need is another JOB.
Take care everyone, stay sane out there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
