This time of year will always be special to me. My birthday, and several cherished family members birthdays. My ex husband and I were married in October, it was a pretty ceremony and full of the love we had for each other at the time.
More importantly it marks the anniversary of telling my three teenagers that I am bi-sexual. I cried when they accepted me so openly and told me they loved me and that they had kind of guessed as much. I wept tears of joy and relief at finally being able to admit to them, and then the world who I am. They each held me until we ended up in a huge group hug. Wiggling and giggling at each other while they kissed and hugged and tickled my tears away.
Soon after I advised them that a good friend of mine was indeed my girlfriend. They had guessed as much as well.
I am so grateful everyday for my gorgeous kids and their capacity to love. Thank you goes out to them everyday for being the amazing people that they are.
No shame, no embarrassment, no judgements, no name-calling, no harsh phobias.
Love, joy, acceptance and understanding.
Who could possibly want for anything more?
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Journals
I was cleaning out closets today and found my old journals. They were tucked away in a box and when I cracked them open I was surprised at just how much I had written down.
The journals date back to 2002 and my first steps in the lifestyle with a man I will always love, my first Dominant. We parted ways in 2004 and I will always regret the hurt I caused him. He certainly did not deserve the annoying, bitchy, willful "submissive" that I was. It was very unfair to him and reading my journals and the one comment he ever wrote in them reminds me how I really needed to grow up and actually become an independent woman. What gift could I offer him really? The gift of a little girl trapped and lonely and trying desperately to escape from the hell she found herself in.
No I had no real gift to give him, nothing to offer in return for the care he showered on me. So I took and took, feeling inadequate but somehow justified too. I look at the collar he once placed around my neck with fond memories, I even saved the ribbons and the box from it. The notes he tucked inside, the cards for holidays and birthdays. Endearments that he lavished on me.
My journals from those days are filled with fear and hate. The confident, sexy, independent woman I am today was well hidden. I thought being strong was unattractive and that if I was to strong that no one would ever want me.
The most basic human need is to belong, and so I hid away my strengths and flaunted my weaknesses in hopes of belonging.
I was so very wrong.
I am strong, smart, beautiful, alluring and powerful!
I love who I am inside and out, that frightened little girl inside me has found peace in the stability of knowing I am capable.
It is wonderful to know that I belong. Not so much to another person, which is very good. Or to a community that is supportive and upbeat, which I adore.
The best part is knowing, without any shadow of a doubt, that I belong to me. I carry my sense of well being and of belonging inside of myself.
The little girl has reconciled her past and become a woman. There are so many people to thank for it along the way, but mostly I thank myself.
I never gave up on me. I grabbed out for help when I was desperate and alone and used that help to regroup and regain my sense of self. I never quit trying to become free of the shame and shackles of my past. Now I give back in small ways, hoping to help others. Being trapped is not something I would wish on anyone.
I am free, and I am me.
The journals have been tucked away again, they are a poignant reminder of the struggle I came from and to be careful with myself and with those I love. The man that I wrote of communicates with me occasionally and I know he is well enough. I will never in a million apologies be able to atone for the mountains of grief I piled upon his dear heart. I will always remember the wonderful moments we shared, and cry alone in sadness at the pain I caused.
I can not regret any of it, all of it merely steps on the path I travel. I can not wish any of it was different, only hope the people whose lives I touched, regard me in the same way as I do each of them. A lesson to be studied and learned.
Precious self, keep on your journey, it is after all, not about the destination at all.
Thank you Goddess for being with me and in me through it all.
The journals date back to 2002 and my first steps in the lifestyle with a man I will always love, my first Dominant. We parted ways in 2004 and I will always regret the hurt I caused him. He certainly did not deserve the annoying, bitchy, willful "submissive" that I was. It was very unfair to him and reading my journals and the one comment he ever wrote in them reminds me how I really needed to grow up and actually become an independent woman. What gift could I offer him really? The gift of a little girl trapped and lonely and trying desperately to escape from the hell she found herself in.
No I had no real gift to give him, nothing to offer in return for the care he showered on me. So I took and took, feeling inadequate but somehow justified too. I look at the collar he once placed around my neck with fond memories, I even saved the ribbons and the box from it. The notes he tucked inside, the cards for holidays and birthdays. Endearments that he lavished on me.
My journals from those days are filled with fear and hate. The confident, sexy, independent woman I am today was well hidden. I thought being strong was unattractive and that if I was to strong that no one would ever want me.
The most basic human need is to belong, and so I hid away my strengths and flaunted my weaknesses in hopes of belonging.
I was so very wrong.
I am strong, smart, beautiful, alluring and powerful!
I love who I am inside and out, that frightened little girl inside me has found peace in the stability of knowing I am capable.
It is wonderful to know that I belong. Not so much to another person, which is very good. Or to a community that is supportive and upbeat, which I adore.
The best part is knowing, without any shadow of a doubt, that I belong to me. I carry my sense of well being and of belonging inside of myself.
The little girl has reconciled her past and become a woman. There are so many people to thank for it along the way, but mostly I thank myself.
I never gave up on me. I grabbed out for help when I was desperate and alone and used that help to regroup and regain my sense of self. I never quit trying to become free of the shame and shackles of my past. Now I give back in small ways, hoping to help others. Being trapped is not something I would wish on anyone.
I am free, and I am me.
The journals have been tucked away again, they are a poignant reminder of the struggle I came from and to be careful with myself and with those I love. The man that I wrote of communicates with me occasionally and I know he is well enough. I will never in a million apologies be able to atone for the mountains of grief I piled upon his dear heart. I will always remember the wonderful moments we shared, and cry alone in sadness at the pain I caused.
I can not regret any of it, all of it merely steps on the path I travel. I can not wish any of it was different, only hope the people whose lives I touched, regard me in the same way as I do each of them. A lesson to be studied and learned.
Precious self, keep on your journey, it is after all, not about the destination at all.
Thank you Goddess for being with me and in me through it all.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
At work
I work a very serious job, I am so normal it is nearly painful.
There are many people there who are wild crazy partiers and you can tell. They have no distinction between work and play and they do not care if they loose their license or their job, they will just get another.
I am cautious at work, I appear to be just a normal boring girl, who comes in does her job and leaves. I am good at what I do and confident, just not a big corporate socializer. At times it is very nice to hide away my kinky side under layers of what society deems as proper or normal. At others I want to scream, stand on my desk and rip my clothes off and masturbate in front of them all. Showing them that I am much more than I appear to be.
I have so many wild urges while at work, I have been known to run to the restroom with my purse and make myself cum before rushing back to my desk. It is fast and messy and I probably should call the mop girl HAH.
After work I can relax and be me.. mom first and kinky bratoid second. So my desires, sexual as they are often get put on the back burner for weeks at a time. It can suck but it is a fact of life.
Love me :)
There are many people there who are wild crazy partiers and you can tell. They have no distinction between work and play and they do not care if they loose their license or their job, they will just get another.
I am cautious at work, I appear to be just a normal boring girl, who comes in does her job and leaves. I am good at what I do and confident, just not a big corporate socializer. At times it is very nice to hide away my kinky side under layers of what society deems as proper or normal. At others I want to scream, stand on my desk and rip my clothes off and masturbate in front of them all. Showing them that I am much more than I appear to be.
I have so many wild urges while at work, I have been known to run to the restroom with my purse and make myself cum before rushing back to my desk. It is fast and messy and I probably should call the mop girl HAH.
After work I can relax and be me.. mom first and kinky bratoid second. So my desires, sexual as they are often get put on the back burner for weeks at a time. It can suck but it is a fact of life.
Love me :)
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