Misrepresentation

I am having a very rough week, my core values and beliefs are being subjected to scrutiny and situations and circumstances are causing me to ask questions of myself.

I am reevaluating my life and where I need to be heading and what I should be doing to get there. I am discovering aspects of my life that are out of balance and need recovering. In doing this I am looking back over the last few years as a whole and reviewing interactions and outcomes. I am finding a distressing trend that I need to address.

I can not stand liars.

People who knowingly deceive for the purpose of manipulating situations to serve their own sick ends annoy the hell out of me.

It removes the ability to consent from the situation. It removes my ability to make a choice. If you tell me the situation I will have a choice, will you always get what you want? Maybe not, but both of us can walk away in the end unscathed by the encounter. Unlike when you lie or twist the truth, or omit things. I would rather hear bitter, brutal truth, than a stupid fluffy lie.

This does more than annoy me.

It tends to destroy my faith that human beings on the whole are good and honest. That honor exists and people have a moral compass that stops them from doing immoral things.

Here is the sad thing. I internalize all of this. I hold onto it. I think it is my fault and that I have some huge flaw that attracts dishonest people to me. I take these people into my life and show them compassion and caring and allow them entrance to my heart. I buy the stories they tell me or justify what I know is a lie because I want it to be true.

I want to believe.

I am naive.

On top of this I have become a deep dark well of desires and wishes and hopes, of secrets and dreams that others have told me in confidence. I honor that and guard their secrets, thinking that their right to confidentiality, their right to have a silent friend who will say nothing, supersedes my right to honesty.

I will keep your secrets. They don't hurt me in the end. In the end they only damage you.

Your fear of admitting who you really are, or admitting your true desires, serves to smother you and hold you down in bondage tighter than any rigger could tie.

Your misrepresentation of your fact, destroys my trust in you, and causes irreparable damage to any future relationships I may have.

Yes I am a pain slut. Emotional pain even has caused an erotic response in me. But this, is NOT pain I want. NOT pain I crave or need or desire in anyway. This cuts at my heart, and bleeds for a very long time. This is a scar that never really fades away.

What do I learn... love as freely as I like, but trust is something I will reserve for myself. A select few who have spent a long time earning my trust are permitted into this inner circle. A few may gravitate close to it but essentially if I don't know you, I don't trust you. If you try to push, I will walk away.

Enough.