Loss

I have lost a playmate. Last night our short but passionate
relationship came to a close.

I wasn't going to write about how I was feeling here as I know he
reads my blog and I didn't want him to know how I was feeling. It is
my selfishness that I do not like to share my vulnerabilites with
others. I fear rejection when I express anything but strength or the
fun things people like to be around. I hide away my fears and sadness
to protect myself from this.

In the end it doesn't matter who reads this or not. The words I write
are mine, for me. I am no less passionate in my grief than I am in any
other aspect of my life.

So today I ache with loss, I liked this person very much and it is
rare I form sexual bonds. It must sound so strange to anyone who reads
my blog but I only have one male sex partner at a time. I do not tend
to take intimacy lightly. Whether with a man or woman.

That is not to say I don't play with multiple people. It is to say I
only have intercourse with people I am emotionally attached to. Or
that I expect to become attached to.

So I am crying. The emotions and caring do not stop merely because we
have parted ways. I feel emotions like love so deeply, even the love
for a casual friend has the power to feel devestating in its loss.

This was more than merely a casual friend to me.

I will hurt for awhile and say never again for awhile. Eventually I
will be ok and move on.

We did have a lot of fun, and I will cherish those memories. I may
even write more of them here. Hard to say at this moment.

Here and now I cleanse my heart with tears.